Coming to Terms

Understanding who you are is a ongoing process

Finding your purpose is a journey all its own

Once you settle on you life’s path

Never settle

Continue to grow

Continue to learn

Share your everything with those who support you

Don’t feel guilty for your success

You are coming to terms

Reset, Refocus, Reset

Tags

Gay, Homosexual, Journey, Lesbian, LGBT, LGBTQ, Love

Refocusing this blog into living in the present instead of re-living the past.

I am currently at a place in my life where I am ready and open to being in a relationship.

I have been living my life as a single woman since 2012.

I have dated several women in the past 9 years, none lasting long

For me to get what I have never had I have to do things I have never done.

The past 12+ months have changed the way the world operates, the pandemic has reduced crowds and gatherings

More than ever I have to lean on social media and dating apps to meet my potential her.

I want to start blogging on a weekly basis so that I can chronicle my journey consciously as I actively search for my match.

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The Journey Here

Last relationship ended in 2012

Voluntarily single with a purpose for 2 years / self rediscovery

Individual bi-monthly therapy sessions started November 2019

7 weeks until the start of my 38th year on this earth

I have created free dating profiles on:

• HER

• OK Cupid

• Plenty of Fish

• Tinder

I have recently re-activated both my Instagram and Facebook accounts

Full Circle

In life we cross paths with many different people

Some of those people we develop life-long bonds and some we only know for a short period

Then there are those occasions where we just loose contact/grow apart

Years pass and fleeting memories is all we have

If we’re lucky we are able to reconnect with those who meant so much to us

Many years after it ended, here we go again

Being around a familiar stranger

Your appearance is familiar but you’ve grown

You are now a mature woman who walks with in her confidence

Your skin glows and your smile can STILL light up a room

Your giggle has the ability to put all my worries to ease

I remember how you used to make me feel and that feeling returns whenever I’m around you

Our relationship has changed but you are still one of my biggest cheerleaders

You encourage me, believe in me, and never give up on me

In return I just want to keep a smile on your face

Be your shoulder to cry on when needed

Be your number one supporter

I will be your sounding board and whatever role you need me to fill

I loved you when I first met you, reconnecting has made me realize that love never left

No matter what you will always have a place in my heart

 

Year In Review 2019

*Edited 6/2020

Year End Review 2019

This year started off pretty rocky. I came into the year with so much optimism for a successful and happier year than the previous one. I began the year ice skating, something I hadn’t done in many years. I think the last time I went ice skating was at the mall in Alabama with Reena in 2006/20007. In February some relationships came to a head, Nay showed her true colors to everyone, except me, I already knew that chick was a fraud. Goat let me really see her for who she is. I just really got to see her for who she is as a person.

My living situation changed drastically, from living in my own apartment to sleeping on an air mattress in the “closet” of a friend’s house. I am not happy about my living situation at all, but it is one I will change in 2020.

My 35^th birthday was in June. I wanted to go to New Orleans but then I allowed friends to influence my decisions and ended up in Puerto Rico. I loved the island. There are some experiences I wanted to engage in but again I allowed others to influence my desires.

I met a chick, Blank Blank Blank, on Tinder. We met in the beginning of July and things were going very well or so I thought. There were some red flags but nothing I didn’t think I would be able to deal with. She ended her connection with me in the beginning of September. We had exactly 60 days of connection. I forgot to mention her birthday is 18 June 1990. She had a 5-year-old daughter, and that didn’t even scare me.

In September I stated seeing a therapist on a consistent basis. She is a black woman who is around my age. She helps me view things from a different perspective or at least bring attention to what I am saying and asking me to define it deeper. I had a session where my mother and younger sister came in. I was able to deduce the need for me to love them from a distance. My family and I do not see eye to eye now and have not ever. Maybe things will change in the future, however I must set a boundary with them for my well-being and mental health.

Lastly one of the biggest changes for me is leaving RHD after 2 years of employment. 9 black technicians were laid off with no notice. Then the white supervisor, Tara Jack-Off, was given a $25,000 salary increase. I am a very observant person and planned my departure prior to me being laid off. I have accepted several positions that are scheduled to start in January. I will fill a position with The City of Philadelphia, Office of Innovation and Technology. I will be taking a pay decrease; however, I feel this move will be best for my future.

I have gotten much better in my professional document writing. I have done more with True Gemini Technology, with plans to expand more. I have stopped limiting myself and what I plan to do based on the skills I currently possess. Thinking out of the box to reach my ultimate goals is what I have began to do in this last quarter of 2019.

 

Laid Off

Everyday spent away is one less day of anxiety

One less day of walking on egg shells

One less day of worrying how long will I be in my seat

Everyday spent in this office is

A constant reminder that Black Bodies are simply a commodity

One more day where I my intelligence is insulted

One when I am reminded, I am a second-class citizen based on the color of my skin

The complexion of this department has taken a change

Darker skin is expected to be subservient to those of a lighter hue

Getting the work done, is not what this work is about

Protecting whiteness is all leadership is worried about

Protecting a pedophile due to whiteness, is a cause I cannot get behind

I know my days are numbered

I Miss Her

I miss you

The way you looked at me

The way you handled my mood swings

The way you jumped in when anxiety or frustration got the best of me

I miss falling asleep holding you

I miss watching you sleep, peacefully

I miss my partner

The person i want to share my victories with

The person to help me work out the rough spots

You’re still the first person I think about in the morning and my last thought before sleep overcomes me

Entertaining others only leads to comparisons of you

They never measure up 🤷🏽‍♀️

All I know is your presence in my life is sorely missed.

I didn’t truly appreciate you for all the greatness you possess when I had the chance

That is a regret a will live with forever

Oh how I love and miss C. J. B. 💯

2 Months. A Thank You Letter

Tags

Feelings, Heartbreak, LGBT, Love

It has been two months to the day. I met you initially on July 6^th and you came into my life unexpectedly but very welcome. I had some initial walls, but a small window into my heart was open, and you flew right in. I didn’t fight it. I liked the way you made me feel. I liked the challenge you presented me. You forced me to take a hard look at myself and held no punches when telling me the flaws I had that needed to be fixed.

One month after meeting, we made it “official.” And here I am on September 6^th thinking about what I did wrong. I hurt you. I made you look at me differently. I can’t change what has happened, I can only learn. I hate thinking I lost out so I will try to convince myself that this too is another LEARN.

Learn from my mistakes.

Learn to love myself so deeply that I won’t ever feel lonely again.

Learn to not be so trusting.

Learn to not give others what they are simply unwilling to give you.

 

You came into my life for a very short period of time but will have a life long place in my head and heart. You taught me so many things that I want to say, “Thank You.”

 

Thank you for allowing me to opportunity to show myself that I am capable of loving someone outside of myself.

Thank you for showing me what I am capable of and not capable of handling

Thank you for reinforcing in me, Actions speak way louder than words.

Thank you for showing me that I am the only person who is capable and willing to ever Love me.

 

2nd Chance

Reflecting is an important part of life

Understanding how I got to where I am now

Reflection is needed

Quickly approaching my 35^th lap around the sun

7 years as a single person

I find myself reminiscing about what was

I did not appreciate what I had in the pass

Character flaws have been realized

Hind sight is always 20/20

I clearly see where I fucked up

If I could only get a second chance

Second chances aren’t guaranteed

Make the most of the first opportunity

And if by chance there is a second one

Never make the same mistakes twice

Scared

Containing my emotions is not my strong point

Words can be empty but accompanied by actions, lives can change

I held back as long as I could

Fearing you would withdraw

But in doing that I wasn’t being honest with myself

I told how I felt and as expected you pulled back

Things will never be the same between us

Your wall is too tall and too wide for me

After nine years I’m waving my white flag

I give up

Unrequited Love

I love you with all my heart I have loved you for most of my adult life 

You know me better than anybody else in my life

Just your presence can calm my spirit like no other 

I read something that described a soulmate as “Someone who has the keys to your lock and it fits perfectly.” If that doesn’t describe what you are to me I don’t know what does. 

You just get me and I know what an ass and difficult being I can be

You have no idea how much I care for you and want you

When I tell you I want you I really mean it in every sense 

I want to be with you, but I know that is never gonna happen

I first thought I would be okay with just having a piece of you whenever you permitted

That couldn’t be any further from the truth

The small piece you allowed me access to only made me want you more 

I want you more than I even wanted to admit

Listening to you talk to your wife, knowing she has what I want makes my heart ache more

Having you so close physically but so far emotionally hurts 

I love you, always have, and always will

Coming to terms with me not being to you what you are to me is what makes me take a step back